areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
