i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
