I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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