So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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