im drinking this country out of the recession.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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