that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
