This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
