Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize