The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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