I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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