This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize