Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sorry about my life...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
