Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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