i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
