so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize