I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sext me about skeletons
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
