I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize