dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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