I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You made out with two different species that night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
