he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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