my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
