I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize