i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
