Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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