I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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