his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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