he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Found your dick twin last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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