Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
