my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
