Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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