Moan for me like Helen Keller
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize