Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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