im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
