The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
