you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize