alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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