I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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