it's not cheating when I paid for it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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