Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I deserve this hangover.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
