Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
