update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize