we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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