I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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