I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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