last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
