I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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