I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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