i need an iv and a liver transplant
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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