somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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