Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
