you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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