I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
