They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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