is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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