I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
