a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
