I feel great
I just peed on a car
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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