Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
