Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
