I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
