Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
