Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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