You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
