I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
