i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
