my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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